Way behind on blogging. Time gets away from me.
Last weekend I had a great weekend attending Anne & Bill’s wedding and seeing old friends from college.
On Sunday night I saw “Honest Monday” perform, they are always very good. I enjoy the juxtaposition of the two younger, dreadlock-sporting band members with the hipster, older man. They’re fun to watch and very “happy feet” inducing. Later on a group of us went to a nearby friend’s house to hang out for a bit and ended up “playing dj” with Geeb’s record collection. There’s nothing quite like authentic vinyl!
(And yes, we are using a surfboard as a table…. And yes, people in Wisconsin DO surf on Lake Michigan).
I typically attend a Memorial Day parade in a very small town with my family, but I opted out this year to catch up on things. I’m a little sad I missed it, but the day turned out cold and rainy anyway.
Since I had Monday off of work for the holiday, I was confused the entire week as to what day of the week it was. I forgot about garbage day (it’s always Tuesday, but I thought Tuesday was Monday) and I was habitually keeping track of things a day behind the date all week. Oops.
I spent most of last weekend fooling around, so this weekend I tried to catch up on some things. I finally did some major spring cleaning, which felt pretty good. I’ve been putting it off for a really long time. It’s been nice to come home to a more organized apartment. I feel a little lighter and more relaxed.
The Saga Continues
My digestive track has been out of wack for months. I am still not feeling well and entering another cycle of random illness testing. At least this time I actually have a doctor. It has been difficult/impossible for me to have an actual doctor given the difficulty of leaving work during business hours, and the added problem of my 45 minute commute, and the lack of confidentiality when you work in an open office where everyone knows the only reason you EVER would be allowed to leave early is for a doctor appointment. (I’m relatively convinced my female coworkers think I’m pregnant because of this… No, nope, I just gain weight around my uterus, thanks).
Anyway, I’ve just been doing the walk-in clinic, which clearly has gotten me nowhere. I’m almost never sick and get by with avoiding doctors, but my current situation is clearly a situation requiring a single doctor to exhaust testing options on me and/or refer me to a gastro specialist.
I’m really frustrated and sick of being sick at this point. My doctor asked me what stresses me out and I just started spastically crying. Which I’m sure she gets all the time. But that doesn’t make me feel any less foolish about it. And I’m pretty sure I convinced her I’m probably more sick because of my own anxiety and stress. Which could be the case. But I definitely don’t want to be sick and would do anything to make it stop.
I get really frustrated thinking about how long its going to take to rule things out, how much testing, how invasive, et cetera. It’s draggin’ me down. And there’s always the large chance that I’ve just been totally thrown off balance and there’s nothing they can really do about it or accurately diagnose. It’s entirely frustrating. At this point I think it might be better to just wait it out and see if I get better on my own before going through any further testing.
Last week I was so consumed by tired. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything for months. I’ve been feeling a little off about a lot of things, but I think I just let myself become overwhelmed. And I think this week will be better, and I do believe I will continue to move forward as long as I put effort forth.
My own Antithesis
I hadn’t been blogging last week, partially because I was super busy, but mainly because I felt like the exact antithesis of everything I want to promote in life. I thought maybe sleeping instead of blogging at night would benefit my horrible mood (I’m not sure whether or not it did).
Here’s a brief synopsis of my mood:
Have I been irrationally emotional?
Have I given the stink eye to people who didn’t deserve it?
Have I had fits of crying in frustration?
Have I sworn in rage?
On several occasions, usually directed at the air and not humans, so that’s at least good. (?)
Have I felt I should be granted relief from “rules” because I’m ill and self pitying?
Have I chosen to rise above how crappy I feel and appreciated what I do have going my way? And the fact that I could be a lot worse?
Have I let stress and anxiety completely overwhelm me?
Apparently I have.
I Only Breathe when I’m Running
I felt somewhat resolved after an hour long run in the rain Friday morning. I really don’t mind running in the rain so much, but it has a few downfalls.
The first of which is, it is very difficult to see out of rain droplet smeared glases (nerd problems). Add to this the fact that its still dark out when I run and I’m pretty much just flying blind. Which makes me feel like a nerdy badass.
The second is that I dislike dirtying my shoes in puddles, and worst of all, muddy puddles that splatter clumps of mud all over my beloved spandex running gear (kind of looked like I had poo’d my neon pink running tights when I got done).
The third hazard is that my iPod probably shouldn’t be exposed to the rain, but I’ve been drenching it all the time because all it ever does lately is rain.
Rain won’t scare me off a run, mother nature, no way no how.
The run is always worth facing the rain. The rain is actually kind of refreshing once you get past all of it’s inconveniences (flying blind, mud spatters, and soaked electronics).
I also find it imperative to mention that I made it about 20 yards away from my apt before some kind of large bug flew directly into my eyeball and stuck there. I couldn’t seem to blink it out and it stung so much I ran back to my apartment and swabbed it out with a Kleenex. Fairly off-putting to find a whole bug stuck inside my lower eyelid. After I finished my run I’m pretty sure I found bug legs or something still in there (might’ve just been a string of mascara, might not have been).
In hindsight I was kind of a she-warrior of the morning’s run. Few things are more empowering than running the streets in adverse conditions. Take that, elements! Take! That! It’s like beating an imaginary opponent. I know then that no one stops me except ME.
I am a Sponge
I am a sponge. I tend to absorb the emotions of the people around me, and their attitudes. I think this happens to everyone. But I try to be aware of the fact that it is my choice to be happy, and my choice not to dwell in the negative. Everyone has their bad days and their occasional foul moods, and everyone needs to vent from time to time, but positive people surround themselves with other positive people because it is all too easy to get weighed down. This is not to say to trample the person down on his or her luck, but it is to mean, empathize with tough situations and then find a way beyond them. We all have obstacles, its what we make of the obstacles that counts.
I was not a shining example of overcoming obstacles last week. In fact, just the opposite. But now that I’ve had some time to reflect and calm down, I’m ready to move on. I don’t want to feel as crappy as I felt last week. I know I need a new approach or I will make myself sick with anxiety.
So I’m off to begin a new week. I’m getting excited about a few things and starting to think about going some new directions. I need a little momentum, a little change and a little novelty. I’m going to rely on a steady faith in myself and in life. It’s time to be happy (it’s always time to be happy).
Once I make it through the work week I’ve got a nice long weekend with Monday off. I’m looking forward to it!
I’d like to spend some time trying to figure out what I want, but I think I wonder about what I want all the time, and I never really find the answers until those rare moments of clarity, or those big leaps of faith, when you just know something’s right, and you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, and everything is beautiful and perfect in this inherently not-so-perfect-at-all way. It’s funny how moments like that can carry you through uncertainty. Suddenly you just know what it’s all for.
But in my case, the confusion always returns.
Such is life =)